I’ve talked regularly about how this year one of my biggest goals is to be more positive. I’ve been trying to learn to look for the good, be more grateful, and let go of the negative a little easier. The thing is though, I want to be honest. I want to be truthful with you and not pretend that I woke up one day and decided to be more positive and *poof* I now walk around with a smile on my face all day constantly thinking to myself how amazing my life is and humming to a wild bluebird on my shoulder that I befriended. That’s not real life, that’s a Disney movie.
So let’s be real. Like really really really real. I mentioned last week that I’ve been in a bit of a funk. It’s been something I’ve had a real hard time shaking. Sometimes I even start to feel it lift, only to be smacked over the head again with a frying pan full of funk. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
So there I was, enjoying an afternoon with my husband who was finally home for a few days after being awayf for what had felt like many eons, and we decided to go into the city and get me a library card. Me, being the perfectionist over-planner that I am, had made sure to call ahead and check what I needed to bring. We found parking, walked through the cold, and waited for the library to open. Of course, once we got inside and found the main desk, the incredibly apathetic gentleman decided that I needed more proof I worked in the city. Once we provided more proof, him and his manager decided I needed more proof, which I was unable to magically produce while standing there. It was clearly one of those situations where someone with the teeniest bit of power decides they don’t want to be helpful, and will exercise that wee bit of power over you to avoid the smallest bit of work.
It was incredibly frustrating. My blood pressure hit new heights and I fought back a few tears as we walked away. Most people may think it’s being over dramatic to get upset about being denied a library card, and I would whole-heartedly agree. Sitting in my home looking back on it now I can easily see that it’s not something worth getting upset over. I can agree how I should have shrugged it off, and taken it as a nice afternoon with my husband even if we didn’t get what we drove into the city for. But at the time I couldn’t. I couldn’t see the good, even in such a comically silly situation.
That’s the thing, it’s not always easy, even at times when it seems like it should. It’s actually incredibly hard some days. It’s hard to see the good when you feel like your brain has been fighting back gremlins for weeks. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.
So here I am. Happy to admit that I have failed, and it’s certainly not the first time that I have since I started this goal, and heavens knows it won’t be the last. When you struggle with depression and anxiety especially, positivity feels like a mountain. Specifically a mountain that’s incredibly prone to avalanches, earth quakes, and massive land slides. But you won’t get anywhere if you don’t dig yourself out of the snow and keep trying. So I will keep digging, and if you’re out there feeling like you’re digging yourself out for the millionth time this week, just know that you are not alone.